Instant Love Now Found In Kenya…Forget Instant Coffee.

Posted on July 7, 2008. Filed under: Uncategorized |

It is an overcast June day and, with idle time on my hands, I flip through the newspaper to the classified ads section.
On offer are instant loans, instant Bible verses, instant cars, instant breast firming, instant libido and the like.
Then a couple of one-line adverts seem to jump out of the page. One promises an instant date. Another guarantees instant love.
Intrigued, I call the number provided but nobody answers. Later, I get an SMS from the number asking me to SMS back the words, ‘Love is a Right’, which I do. A second SMS comes in from the same number, now asking me to either sambaza airtime credit worth Sh100 or send a similar amount by M-Pesa and I would receive the cell phone numbers of 10 beautiful girls.

The SMS sender adds that my number would be sent to another group of 10 girls who are lonely and willing to get hooked up instantly. I oblige and send the airtime credit required to the number.

After an hour and no cell-phone numbers forthcoming, I begin to think that I have been conned out of my money. I brush the thought aside because only a negligible amount is involved.

Then I receive a call from Kapenguria by a woman calling herself Stella. I am bemused as she pours out her heart to me, telling me that I am just the man she has been waiting for in all her 34 years. She says she loved my voice and that my name (I have told her I am called Mike) is the sexiest in the world.

Welcome to the world of cellular relationships. After introducing myself to 18 women as an insurance executive in Nairobi, the avalanche of text messages and calls is incredible and I begin to fear that I have bitten off more than I can chew. By evening I have been showered with every imaginable endearment. Taking stock of the situation is like a journey into a world that is still unknown to many people.

No, these are not hookers or con women. They are not perverts out for racy fantasy either. All their descriptions fit them perfectly in the middle of decent society. Of the 18, the youngest is 19 and the oldest 37. But they all speak the same, fantasising on the same passions that find a ready vent on the cell-phone handset. The age of instant coffee, instant dating and instant love is here with us.

Not after money
Ivy has lived in Malindi for almost all her life. She is 23 and says she is half Kalenjin and half Chagga. Having got my number, she calls me a record eight times on the first day. By the evening she is talking as if she has known me all her life. She insists that I should go and take supper with her in Buru Buru, where she now lives with her elder sister. She says she has prepared a feast for me that I cannot afford to miss. Admittedly, she has a good voice — and it is telling me incredibly nice things.
While I sleep at night I receive the following message from her: “I thought of u today, yesterday and the day before. I’ll think of u 2morrow, becoz u mean the world to me. Av a nice day & have my kiss… mwah!”
Before I have finished wondering how she could have missed me the day before since we hadn’t communicated then, I get another call.
The lady calling from Meru is all sentiment. Grace is 36 and she makes it clear to me in a conversation that lasts 38 minutes that she is not after any man’s money. In fact, she says, she owns a business in Meru and has an eight-year-old son. Saying that she is willing to be saddled even with a jobless man (I had told her was jobless), she informs me in heavily accented English that intuition tells her I am the man she has been waiting for all her life. She is even willing to M-Pesa me some money to enable me travel to Meru Town to meet my destiny.

Nothing seems to discourage Grace. She wants more babies and, even though we have never met, her mind is made up that I should father those children. When I tell her that I’m a hopeless case because the doctor had told me I couldn’t get children due to biological shortcomings, Grace says it is OK with her. She whispers: “We will adopt some and then you will be the father and I will be the mother. But that is only if you are willing to go along with me.”

Just when I’m about to sleep, Ivy sends another SMS. “Honey unaendelea aje, nimekumiss ile mbaya. Will it be possible nisikie sauti yako kabla sijalala? I miss you darling.” The text messages keep coming. The women only give me their first names, three of which are Carol. One reads: “Am Carol, 28, workin en livin in Nairobi, from central. My looks, am brown and medium in everything. Am Xtian lukin 4 a man who’s ready to love. Hook mi up sweet.”

Later Sweet Cheptoo writes: “Am 31, lovely, got your number from Lonny. I love insurance executives. I’m doing a post-grad at UoN, am married and very bored. I don’t love my husband and he doesn’t love me. Find me at (a restaurant on Koinange Street) and lets start dating. I will leave my husband soon.” And Ada writes: “Beautiful, simple an Godfearing. I can handle anything in u as long as u r honest about it. Ua age, tribe, level of education?”

Stella, the lady from North Rift, writes another message: “Hi sweetie! Mbona kimya hivyo? Missing your tender touch . Sleep poa! Luv Stella.” I haven’t finished wondering when I could have touched Stella for her to miss my ‘tender touch’, when a 19-year-old calling herself Mary calls. She lives in Ongata Rongai and ‘urgently’ needs a man. She doesn’t care what I do, how old I am, or what kind of a man I am for that matter. Tells me she will call in the morning so we can decide when we to meet and go “raving”. Overwhelmed, I switch my phone off and go to sleep.

When I switch on the phone in the morning the avalanche resumes. A woman called Jane calls from Nyeri demands to meet me. She says she is over seven feet tall and works at GPO. So can we meet at Fig Tree Hotel in Ngara? Out of curiosity, I oblige. I tell the 19-year-old to come to the same place as well. In the meantime, I will spend the day fending off tantalising offers.

Sarah, a beautician in Nakuru, calls me at nine in the morning, swearing that she can’t get me out of her mind. When I don’t reply to Ivy’s two SMSs in the morning, she writes: “Is there anything wrong darling? Kama nimekukosea 4give me plz.” One of the Carols calls at eleven, saying that she is missing my voice.

Then a Muthoni from Githurai calls. Muthoni sounds very tough and doesn’t take kindly to my not answering her SMS’s. When I tell her I’m already hooked, she barks: “Mbwa wewe.”

Sarah from Nakuru says that I’m unique, another Carol says I’m sexy, Ivy says I was created for her, a teacher in Kibera who says she is a Kamba swears she will never stop loving me no matter what. Grace says I will make a good father and Wambui from Murang’a has already told her mother about me.

It doesn’t matter that I have never met any of the above women and that none of them actually knows my real name, age or profession. What moves and turns the world here is instant passion and instant love.

First date
The evening finds me at the Fig Tree Hotel, patiently waiting for my two dates. Mary, the 19-year-old, arrives first. She is pretty, in hipster jeans, is light-skinned and speaks flawless English. I’m amazed by her confidence. I want to know why she needs a man so badly. After a few niceties she tells her life’s story.
Mary’s father lives abroad and her mother is a nurse. She has been in love thrice and all three men abandoned her for reasons she will never know. She now wants her own man. In two year’s time we should get married, she says.
Jane, the seven-footer, calls and announces her arrival when I’m still with Mary. I dismiss the teenager and cross over to the dignified lady in red who seems to have dressed for the occasion. Despite being 37 and having a career, Jane says that she has been in love only once. The boyfriend was married and she didn’t know about it. Having been left high and dry, Jane now wants a new start. “I have never even been asked out for tea. I need a man,” says the childless woman of striking beauty.
When I tell Jane that I have 18 other lining up for me, she almost dissolves in tears. As we part, she makes it clear to me that she will pursue me to the ends of the earth even if all girls in town are after me.

In the evening I will be reading more SMS’s and marvelling at the wealth of instant sentimentality that seems to reside in Kenya. All you need is a mobile handset and the floodgates will be opened. It is the latest game of passion and instant gratification in town……butdoisay….

By Peter Thatiah

Butdoisay comment: This is one way of zambazaring  Ukimwi (HIV/ AIDS)…..BUTDOISAY..







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4 Responses to “Instant Love Now Found In Kenya…Forget Instant Coffee.”

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C´mon women!
Are we really this desparate as the article protrays??
Sweet talking a man you already know is another ball game,but pouring your heart out like this for a man you hardly know??? There goes the boundaries for love and desperation. For al yeah women out there indulging a man you hardly know or even a man you know but really does´nt belong to you is morally wrong and there is a substitue name for that kind of woman. Though in their twisted minds they think they are so perfect and that nothing is wrong with what they are doing.
Just an advice: Next time before falling for a man you dont know, make it your duty to find out what type of a man he is, atleast be formal till you make the first date, then you can know if this is the dream guy. What happens if you pour out your heart like this ladies been doing just to get to your first date to find the guy nt al that?????

Shame same shame. My meaning,

LOL…ati mbwa wewe? Thanks for making my day Clay..where did you get this article from? Kenya kuna maajabu kweli.

This is serious stuff when women start hunting men the way we used to. its only fair!

@ Justin
Men this aint fair! This is degrading for the female species. I don´t think a woman with a right mind will find this intresting. At this rate will Kenya is going to suffer another soddom and gomorra if you have your bible studies right then you should know what i mean.

People encouraging this kind of act. Shame on you. Just like butdoisay comment “This is a modern way of sambazaring Ukimwi: Men and women be on the look out!!

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